What I'm Reading Wednesday: Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff:
BamBam demo-ing fierceness
Why Inner Kindness Needs Inner Strength
Those who know me, know that I’m ALWAYS reading something! I’ve decided to write about my readings, both for myself and maybe for you too!! For me, it will help capture and summarize what I’m reading. And hopefully slow my hungry mind down a bit, so I can digest some of what I’m reading. And full disclosure, AI is helping me a bit with this endeavor. Why not make the most of technology that is available in this moment of history?
So on to this week’s pick. Fierce Self Compassion: How Women can Harness Kindness to Speak up, Claim their Power, and Thrive by Kristin Neff, PH. D.
What I love about this book (so far—I’m not finished yet!) is that Dr. Neff expands the typical understanding of Self Compassion from being more than “soft and gentle”, and allows the readers to consider Self Compassion to also look like “being bold, protective, and powerful”.
She also broadens the definition of what it really means to care for ourselves. She introduces two vital forms of self-compassion:
Tender self-compassion: Soothing, nurturing, and validating
Fierce self-compassion: Protective, boundary-setting, and action-oriented
Both are essential. Without tenderness, fierceness can become harsh or reactive. Without fierceness, tenderness can lead to passivity or burnout.
I personally have a daily self compassion journaling practice, in which I practice meeting myself with Tender Self Compassion. This has been an incredible tool for me that I discovered many years ago, but I put in practice in earnest in 2020 when the pandemic was in full swing. I credit this daily practice for keeping my nervous system regulated in the midst of all the cues of danger that my nervous system was picking up on during that time. Tender Self Compassion applied daily, gave me space for many many tears to be shed, and a felt sense of support to be felt from within. Tender Self Compassion feels REALLY good!
So this other side: Fierce Self Compassion is a super fun addition for me! in this book, she offers the idea that Standing firm when necessary and/ or taking deliberate protective actions that align with my values is ALSO a facet of self compassion. She gives lots of examples (so far) of how that has manifested in her life, especially as a mom and a professional in academia.
So, this book is especially empowering for those socialized to put others first (hello, people-pleasers!). She offers tools to help us:
Set clear boundaries with love
Say no without guilt
Recognize and process anger
Take meaningful action based on our values
Through those stories, research, meditations, and practices, she shows us how to reclaim our strength—without losing our softness.
My take Away so far, which I love, especially in the tricky times that we are living in:
Self-compassion isn’t just about giving yourself a break—it’s also about standing up for yourself with courage and care.'
Which side of self-compassion do you want to strengthen—your fierce voice or your tender one?
And how do you feel about my little BamBam Demonstrating fierceness in the photo above?
As a 9 pounder, He’s working on embodying fierce self compassion too!